Ben at Work: The Blog

A Six-Pack of My Final Columns

2009-10-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

At the end of September, CBS pulled the plug on SPIN. In some ways, a bummer. In other ways - mainly the fact that I had no time to write my columns - a non bummer. Here are my final six columns. Sure to be worth a mint on ebay someday...

9/18/09 - On Megan Fox (not literally!), Fire Joe Morgan, Green Day, sports guilt and more.

9/11/09 - Sort of NFL Predictions.

9/4/09 - A review of the baseball movie "Sugar."

8/28/09 - On Fantasy Sports Insurance, Brad Lidge, Mew, and those awful Heineken ads with Eva Longoria.

8/21/09 - On Vick, Le Mans, Avatar, the Erin Andrews camera perv and more.

8/14/09 - On Hard Knocks, The Blind Side, Tom Brady on Entourage, Youkilis being annoying and more.

Latest Column Dump

2009-08-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

8/7/09: John Hughes, Big Fan, Big Papi, Delonte's Chicken Mission, etc...

7/31/09: How funny are the people of Funny People?

7/24/09: Which Entourage character are you?

2009-07-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

7/17/09: Ichiro swears, The State, FourFourTwo, etc...

7/10/09: The sketchy tennis death, Ron Artest, Tranformers reviews, etc...

7/3/09: Moneyball: The Movie, The Real World, NYC Prep, Dinosaur Jr., Pablo Sandoval, Etc...

Last Three Columns

2009-06-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

6/19/09: On Artie & Buck, Joe Morgan, Weeds, Nurse Jackie & Burn Notice.

6/12/09: On the MLB Draft, Celebrity Lakers fans, The Magic's fundamentalist owner, Alex Rios and Bret Michaels.

6/5/09: On Gaifianakis, Spritejaculate, Breaking Bad, Fake Derek Fisher and Phish.

Last Two Columns

2009-05-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

5/29: On Jessica Biel, Sasha Grey, Clay Zavada, Dwight Howard, and that McG douche.

5/22: On Trekking, Losting, Kobe Doin' Working, Jimmy Rollins, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Last three columns

2009-05-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Nothing from me on 5/8 and 5/15. In the meantime, here's what you haven't missed...

5/1/09: On Hard Knocks, (the other) Brian Wilson and more.

4/24/09: All Crank: High Voltage all the time.

4/17/09: FNL, Parks and Recreation, Bonifacio (oops) and more.

Interview with the Eisenberg

2009-04-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

I found "Adventureland" to be a pretty good little movie, if not quite the brilliant coming-of-age fable some are making it out to be. The soundtrack is great and performances are solid, but there wasn't one truly surprising moment in the entire film. It was fun to watch, but I sort of felt like I was simultaneously seeing it for the first and 300th time. If that makes sense.

That said, I enjoyed having the chance to do an e-mail interview with Jesse Eisenberg earlier in the week. He was great in "Roger Dodger" and "The Squid and the Whale," and found him very likeable as the center of "Adventureland." I felt kind of dumb asking him a silly questions, but it comes with the territory.

So here's what he had to say to my sportsified line of questioning.

Because why the F not

2009-04-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

Baseball prediction time. Using the same format that ESPN's "experts" used, I'll throw in my two cents...

American League:

AL East: Boston
AL Central: Minnesota
AL West: Oakland
Wild Card: Yankees

MVP: Dustin Pedroia (the new Steve Nash)
Cy Young: Josh Beckett
ROY: One of those pitchers on the A's
Breakout player: Zack Greinke
Underrated player: Orlando Cabrera (as always)
Dark-horse team: Seattle

NL East: Mets
NL Central: Cubs
NL West: LA
Wild Card: St. Louis

MVP: Albert Pujols
Cy Young: Johan Santana
ROY: Colby Rasmus
Breakout player: Pablo Sandoval
Underrated player: Khalil Greene
Dark-horse team: Florida

World Series: Red Sox over Mets

Last three columns

2009-04-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

04/03/09

03/27/09

03/20/09

This Week's Column

2009-03-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dwyane Wade, Jwyimmy Fallon, Mwyini Cooper, Matthew Bwyerry and Dave Bwying.

Last Two Columns

2009-03-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

On Watchmen, Circuit City, Bono, the WBC and the Donald.

On Ben Lyons, Manny, Fox n' Alba, Milk and Jim Bunning.

More Album Cover Fun (See Below)

2009-02-24T15:08:00.000-08:00

This one is best of all:

M74 - To Become Old Fools
What would this one sound like? Gee let me think...

The One That Got Away

2009-02-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

For some reason my column that touched on Erin Andrews, Top Chef, The Boss, Pepsi and more has vanished from the site. So if you want to read a bunch of posts from guys who think I'm gay, here you go.

Album Cover Fun

2009-02-24T07:19:00.000-08:00

This week's internet diversion is a fun game that I couldn't resist doing. It's:

Your Own Random Band Album Cover Exercise!

1 - Go to "Wikipedia." Hit “Random Article”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

My results:

Brevainville - To Take Them Back.
Looks like some Bright Eyes-y midwestern wannabe cowboy shit. Oddly, the band name is already taken.

1975 Stanley Cup Finals - Thou Meanest to Get Leisure
Seems like this would be a Canadian ambient metal outfit. Would totally get an 8.8 on Pitchfork.

Audio Filter - The Chief Occupation of Mankind
German prog rock. Would be loved by Guitar Center employees and Richard Christy.

Last Three Columns

2009-02-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

On Eastbound & Down, Dollhouse, the MLB Network, Rick Reilly sucking and more.

On Slumdog Millionaire, The NBA All-Star Game, Blue Crush, Trust Me and more.

On the Slap Shot remake, cheap beer, The Gaslight Anthem and more.

Change We Can Believe In!

2009-01-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Big week. New President, new column. Goodbye, "Ben at Work," hello "Friday on My Mind." It'll take some getting used to, but will also make my life incredibly easier.

Either way, I'm fired up and ready to go!

And best of all, I'm first...

2009-01-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

From the blog Yeah Right...

Welcome back, Friday Night Lights

2009-01-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

This week's column: A scouting report for Season Three of Friday Night Lights.

Jack Bauer saves College Football

2009-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Last week's column: An outline for a season of 24 in which Jack Bauer saves the first day of a theoretical college football playoff from imminent disaster. Somehow it's more believable than an actual season of 24.

2009 Sports Movie Preview

2009-01-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

Last week's column: A look at some sports movies that may or may not come out in 2009.

My Favorite Albums of 2008

2008-12-31T07:50:00.001-08:00

Before the year comes to an end, I might as well throw another one of these together. I'm sure I'll feel differently about this list in 10 minutes, but until then, here's where I stand:

21. Gentleman Jesse - Introducing Gentleman Jesse
20. Brian Jonestown Massacre – My Bloody Underground
19. Stephen Malkmus – Real Emotional Trash
18. The Duke Spirit – Neptune
17. Panic at the Disco – Pretty. Odd.
16. David Byrne and Brian Eno – Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
15. The Gaslight Anthem – The ’59 Sound
14. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!
13. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes
12. British Sea Power – Do You Like Rock Music?
11. Drive-By Truckers – Brighter Than Creation’s Dark
10. The Hold Steady – Stay Positive
9. The Black Keys – Attack & Release
8. TV on the Radio – Dear Science,
7. My Morning Jacket – Evil Urges
6. Torche - Meanderthal
5. Sic Alps – U.S EZ
4. Deerhunter – Microcastle
3. Cheap Time – Cheap Time
2. Portishead – Third
1. Wolf Parade – At Mount Zoomer

The Year in Sports Movies

2008-12-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

Here's my look back at what 2008 had to offer the world of sports movies.

My 50 Favorite Songs of 2008

2008-12-31T07:34:00.000-08:00

For the second year in a row, I dedicated my 50 favorite songs of the year to various athletes, teams and general sports entities. Happy listening.

The 11 People You Meet in Vegas

2008-12-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

This week's column: Describing the key players at baseball's winter meetings as if they're wacky Vegas characters.

Use My Illusion

2008-12-11T11:12:00.000-08:00

Want more G'N'R? A few weeks ago, Will and Drew on Deadspin each listed what they thought Use Your Illusion should look like as one album instead of two. Taking advantage of my first slow-ish day at work in a long time, I figured I'd chime in.

Cutting the thing in half still leaves a double album with four 20 minute sides, and if it were up to me, it would have looked like this:

Side One:
1. Right Next Door to Hell
2. Dust N' Bones
3. 14 Years
4. November Rain

Side Two
5. You Could Be Mine
6. Don't Cry (Original)
7. So Fine
8. Perfect Crime
9. Garden of Eden
10. You Ain't the First

Side Three
11. Double Talkin' Jive
12. Estranged
13. Locomotive

Side Four
14. Civil War
15. Yesterdays
16. Coma

And the (Old) Columns Just Keep on Coming

2008-12-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

A smattering of my most recent masterworks:

11/28/08: Deciding which sports figures the songs on Chinese Democracy are about.

11/21/08: Some fun facts about how the sports world has changed since the last time Guns N' Roses put an album out.

11/14/08: Opinions to the Extreme - A Vanilla Ice sports blog.

11/7/08: Dubbing Nate Silver the 2008 Sports Nerd of the Year.

10/31/08: Bestowing kind words on the video game NBA 2K9.

10/24/08: Teaching British slang to the New Orleans Saints and San Diego Chargers before they played in London. One word I left out: shite.

10/17/08: Asking people to vote on whether I should keep Gilbert Arenas or Devin Harris in my NBA Fantasy Keeper League. Had I not voted for Harris three times, Arenas would have won. Luckily I didn't listen to the voters. Unluckily, my team sucks anyway.

Two Months One Post

2008-10-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Where have I been the last few months? Oh, you know. Around. So until I kickstart this blogging thing once again, here are two months worth of sportsline columns I've neglected to post. Oops.

10/3/08: What if Sarah Palin had stayed a sportscaster?

9/26/08: My totally useless system for picking winning baseball teams.

9/19/08: Getting to know the Tampa Bay Rays from A to Z.

9/12/08: Picking appropriate sports for the new Metallica songs.

9/5/08: Chatting with the characters of Entourage about the NFL season.

8/29/08: New, silly rules for Fantasy Football.

8/22/08: My boxing match with Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

8/15/08: Handing out Emmy Awards for the first few episodes of Hard Knocks.

8/8/08: New events to spice up the Olympics.

8/1/08: Winners and wieners of the MLB trade deadline.

The Hammer

2008-07-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

Last week's column: A review of the Adam Carolla vehicle, The Hammer.

New Shit. (Or New, Shit)

2008-07-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

My last four columns:

1. A post-NBA Draft joke column that previews the NBA's "New fall season."

2. An interview with Jason Giambi's mustache. One guy really liked this. Others did not.

3. A column making fun of a very bad article from an Oklahoma newspaper. But of course, I'M the asshole.

4. Facebook status updates for baseball players.

Last Two Columns

2008-06-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

1. The (Un)official Ken Griffey Jr. Mixtape.

2. 20 Relevant Quotes from Bull Durham.

The NBA Finals: Where Chatting Happens

2008-06-06T14:37:00.000-07:00

This week's column: A Game One IM chat between me and my buddy Eric - a genuine Lakers face.

Me and Sex and the City

2008-06-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

From the Huffington Post last week - Why Men should be grateful for Sex and the City.

Last Two Columns

2008-06-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

1. Picking a new sport for Barry Bonds.

2. Ranking recent top 3 MLB Draft picks.

The 10 Types of Red Sox Fans

2008-05-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Want people to read something you write online? Make it about the Red Sox. Seriously.

Last Week's Column

2008-05-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

Loved by some, hated by a few, and completely misunderstood/obviously not read by a few geniuses as well - The 10 types of Yankee fans.

Last Week's Column

2008-05-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

The 10 worst selling sports video games of all-time.

The Worst Team $273,573,594 Can Buy

2008-04-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Last week's column: overpaid baseball players galore.

Fresh Meatheads

2008-04-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

This week on The Huffington Post, The continuing decline of The Real World.

Columns White People Like

2008-04-18T14:35:00.000-07:00

This week: My NBA-themed email interview with the dude who runs Stuff White People Like.

Wicked. Funny. Commerical.

2008-04-16T18:07:00.001-07:00

You Got Roll'd

2008-04-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

This week's CBS column: The Rick Rolling of the Mets. If only this story was 1/200th as funny as an actual Rick Roll. What can I say? I was busy. And when I'm busy I resort to cheap poo jokes. Sue me.

We all Go Happy Day Glo in the Disco

2008-04-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

My article in yesterday's Huffington Post - Panic at the Disco's Teenage Symphony to Teens.

Dear Joe Torre,

2008-04-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

The man on the left is Juan Pierre. Yes, I know he makes a lot of money. He's also not a very good baseball player anymore. Meanwhile, the man on the right is Matt Kemp. He IS a good baseball player. A very good one in fact. Perhaps you should play him instead of the shitty guy. Just a thought.

My Money's on Skip Bayless

2008-04-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

Question of the Day: Who's going to be the first crusty, white sports reporter to get lambasted-suspended-dragged-across-the-coals for insinuating that Memphis lost the NCAA Championship for being too, ahem, "street?"

Why The Hills Makes Me Love My Wife A Little Bit Less

2008-04-04T13:22:00.001-07:00

My first post on The Huffington Post. Highbrow, bitch.

Last Two Columns

2008-04-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

1. Helping Hillary pander to Philly sports fans.

2. A vaguely sloppy, eventually amusing look at the LeBron James/Vogue "controversy."

Last Two Columns

2008-03-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

1. 10 simple rules for filling out your NCAA bracket

2. 22 fun facts about the Houston Rockets winning streak

This Week's Column

2008-03-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

The 40 most offensive aberrations of the post-strike era.

Indian, Jew, Masturbator

2008-03-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

This is former Indians catcher, and "current" Red Sox scout Jesse Levis. He was busted the other day for jackin' it while watching a couple of underage girls in a hotel pool. Oops. On the bright side, he wasn't doing it while scouting a High School baseball game. Now THAT would have been embarrassing.

Nick the Thick

2008-03-03T12:27:00.001-08:00

In Nationals camp, Nick Johnson entertains Dmitri Young with his spot-on David Wells impression.

This Week's Column

2008-02-29T14:02:00.000-08:00

In which I hand out the Best Picture Oscar Robertson to the best sports movie of the year. Hint: It's not Who's Your Caddy?.

Guest Apperarnce

2008-02-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

In case you care about fantasy basketball (and I know you don't), one of the other writers at CBS Sports interviewed me for his column this week. Since I'm awesome, and I ripped him off earlier this year. Go me.

One Sentence Movie Review: The Kingdom

2008-02-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

It's Syriana for stupid people - and I mean that in a good way.

Fork Off

2008-02-25T12:16:00.001-08:00

The smarmy douchebags at Pitchfork are droppin' the clever once again. They've "awarded" Do You Like Rock Music? by British Sea Power the truly HEElarious rating of a U.2! Get it! They usually rate things 5.6 or 8.1, but see, this is a rock album, so therefore it must sound like U2, and therefore it must be terrible! So we'll give it a U.2! (cough, cough, masturbate on Fiery Furnaces LP, repeat)

This is precisely what I can't stand about the 'fork. They've deemed themselves to be above "rock" music, so hence they hated this album the second they heard the title. Take a look at any of their 100 singles lists from the last few years. They're full of indie, dance, hip-hop, punk, pop...you name it. But no rock. Because rock is, like, totally lame. Unless it's The Hold Steady. Then it's ok.

Well F you Pitchfork. I like rock, and I really like Do You Like Rock Music?. So there. Btw, it sounds as much like U2 as it does your precious Interpol. So suck on that once you get your head out of your ass. From what I hear, that's the best way to appreciate bullshit French house music.

Last Week's Column

2008-02-25T12:12:00.001-08:00

Winners and Wieners of the NBA trade deadline. Because I'm 12 years old.

This Week's Column

2008-02-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

What's going to happen to the characters of Friday Night Lights.

Two words: Porno

Take a Trip to Prog

2008-02-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

The Mars Volta's The Bedlam in Goliath.

I'll have what they're having.

I'm Totally Gay for Pitchers and Catchers!

2008-02-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

Life Imitating Art (The Life Version)

2008-02-13T08:25:00.001-08:00

In which Mitt Romney asks black people, "Who let the dogs out?" Because he's THAT down, people.

Life Imitating Art (The Art Version)

2008-02-13T08:24:00.001-08:00

I knew Mitt Romney's "Who let the dogs out" moment sounded familiar. This is one of my favorite Larry Sanders scenes ever, but Hank raising the roof after the 2:00 mark is the highlight.

20 Seconds to Cancellation

2008-02-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

It looks like last Friday's episode of Friday Night Lights will be the last episode ever. While this news isn't great, the second season was basically awful, so at least they won't have the chance to drive the show even further into the ground. (Landry playing football? N****a please).

That said, the last 20 seconds of the final(?) episode were absolutely brilliant. Much like the "Save Our Bluths" episode of Arrested Development, you had one of the key characters of the show saying, "Just give it a chance. Please, please, please, please give it a chance."

Well played, finally-working-again writers. Well played.

Column Cleanup

2008-02-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

Here are my last four columns - in order of quality.

1. Betting odds for Tom Petty's Super Bowl setlist

2. The post-Super Bowl roast of Tom Brady

3. Guessing which athletes were the "inspiroidtion" for the Hip-Hop HGH "scandal"

4. A political-style debate between Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin. I didn't want to send this one down the runway, but did so anyway.

Agent Awesome

2008-02-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

Gilbert Arenas on the Pau Gasol trade. This is why athletes + blogs = awesome...

It seems like a pretty stupid move by Chris Wallace. No offense, I don’t know him personally, but you don’t give away Pau Gasol for what they got back. I mean, Chicago wanted Pau Gasol. They would have given something back in return. I mean, something. Ladies and gentlemen, they have Darko and Kwame at the four and the five. That’s all I’m going to say.

The College Football Poll For People Who Don't Follow College Football Poll

2008-01-14T07:32:00.000-08:00

How can I write about college football if I don't know anything about it? By creating a poll for people who don't know anything about college football.

3 Columns for the Price of 1 (post)

2008-01-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

Been lazy with the updates during the holidays. Here are my last three columns in all of their awesomeness:

1. Bad Jokes of the Mitchell Report

2. My 50 Favorite Songs of 2007 (Dedicated to Various Sports Figures)

3. Comparing the characters of The Wire to NBA Players, etc...

One Ugly Drink

2008-01-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

Back when I lived in L.A. And had a car. And drove a lot. And actually listened to the radio, ex-baseball player Mark Grace told a very funny story on Jim Rome's radio show. He said that if he or any of his teammates were in a slump, they would have to go to a bar, and go home with the least-attractive woman they could find. This was called a "slumpbuster."

Now the Red Sox' Kevin Youkilis is co-producing an energy drink called, yes, Slumpbuster. Tagline: "Take One Down."

Hoo-ray for Jocks. They'll do anything for a buck.

Last Week's Column

2007-12-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

Here's my interview with the commissioner of The CGS - a fledgling professional video game league.

Better Buckle Up!

2007-12-11T08:56:00.001-08:00

Like all car commercials, this cutesy spot for the Ford Edge features hip, young people driving around listening to a hip, young song. Now, is it just me, or does anyone else find it odd that they're using a song about funerals to sell a car?

This girl is gazing out the sunroof while hearing Band of Horses sing, "At every occasion, I'm ready for a funeral."

Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?

Bad Choices in Theme Music

2007-12-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

Last night, the wife was watching The Hills - a show about insanely rich teenagers who get handed cushy internships and $100,000 cars simply because they won the parental lottery.

Meanwhile, the theme song for this show is "Unwritten," by Natasha Bedingfield, a tune about "Staring at the blank page before you, (and) open(ing) up the dirty window." In other words, it's a song about struggling to make it, and how you have to make things happen for yourself.

This is quite possibly the least-fitting song for this show. Could they not afford "Material Girl?" Did "California Girls" not fit? What about "Stupid Girl," or perhaps "Rape Me?" Any of those would have worked much better.

Last Week's Column

2007-12-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

After my original column idea got postponed at the 11th hour, I had to piece together this Wizard of Oz themed column about baseball's winter meetings.

Straight 2008

2007-12-05T08:18:00.001-08:00

It might be December 2007, but here's the video for "Ready for the Floor" by Hot Chip - my favorite song of 2008 so far. Bonus points for the amazing video, which is basically a much more expensive update of New Order's "True Faith."

One Sentence Movie Review

2007-12-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

Superbad: I've never laughed so much during a movie I ultimately didn't like.

Fake Recap of a Fake Game

2007-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

This week's column: Who needs the NFL Network when you can just play a video game?

Vaguely Awesome Link of the Day

2007-11-29T09:39:00.000-08:00

These people want $10 from you, so once time travel becomes possible, people from the future can come and bring you back to life...in the future.

Here's my favorite part:

Just as the price of a VCR has dropped to less than $70 from the several hundred dollars it cost just ten years ago, Time Travel, once it becomes feasible, will initially be very expensive yet it will become more and more economical as time goes by.

I'm sold! Who's with me?

For the Movies

2007-11-27T13:37:00.000-08:00

Last Week's Column: More movie-themed games for Phil Jackson.

Lowell is Back, and Hungry for More!

2007-11-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

WHDH TV in Boston was the first to break the story of Mike Lowell (supposedly) signing with the Red Sox. When I went to their site, this was the main story:

Lowell man accused of biting off toddler's lip

Guessing it's not the same guy.

Nope. Definitely NOT funny.

2007-11-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

This week's column: Frank TV? No thanks. I'm good.

Mr. Rod Goes to Washington

2007-11-09T14:42:00.000-08:00

This week's column: Why A-Rod should play for the Washington Nationals.

Smile! You Got Traded to the T-Wolves!

2007-11-07T12:50:00.001-08:00

The Red Sox are NOT Becoming the Yankees

2007-11-05T12:29:00.001-08:00

Last week's column. Refuting the laziest, most annoying argument of the recent months.

The World Will Be a Little Less Blingy for 46 Months

2007-11-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

How dangerous is the hip-hop game?

Even the favorite bling maker of rappers - Jacob the Jeweler - is going up the river for lying to investigators.

Keep ya' head up Jake! Which must be tough to do with all those diamond chains.

Au Contraire Mon Frere-Jones

2007-10-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

For someone who's a) a dude, and b) a white dude, New Yorker music critic Sasha Frere-Jones has a ridiculous name. And last week he wrote an article almost as ridiculous as his moniker.

His problem..."Why did so many white rock bands retreat from the ecstatic singing and intense, voicelike guitar tones of the blues, the heavy African downbeat, and the elaborate showmanship that characterized black music of the mid-twentieth century?"

Basically he's saying that indie rock isn't black enough for him. Of course it's not.

He takes shots at Pavement ("a flat-footed mixture of shaggy, improvisational rock and sylvan curlicues taken from obscure folk groups") and Wilco ("embarrassing poetry laid over plodding rhythms"), while patting himself on the back for his own band Ui ("When we played our version of funk or dub reggae, or tried to make a synthesizer sound like a dolphin fixing a tractor (tough but doable), it felt natural. Most of our music didn’t require singing, but a few pieces needed the sound of a human voice to round them out").

Which is great, because I always like it when music critics pimp their own shitty bands while they badmouth people light years more talented than they are. Plus, SF-Jo takes shots at other "flagship" indie bands (The Shins, The Decemberists, The Firey Furnaces), but doesn't bother mentioning the fact that plenty of "indie rock" bands sound plenty black.

Case in point, in Frere-Jones' recent article on FLAGSHIP INDIE BAND Spoon, he mentioned their new album sounding like "early Motown." Which seems kinda black to me.

But I guess it's not black enough to mention in an article about white bands not being black enough.

NBA Rivalries

2007-10-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

Last week's column: Previewing some "classic" rivalries of the upcoming NBA season.

Soxaholix on Game One...

2007-10-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

Seriously. You show up in a purple vest against a dude like Dustin Pedroia and it's like, yeah, he's not only going to take you deep in his first at bat, but he's also going to steal your lunch money and make out with your girlfriend while you watch, Francis.

Hey There, Smarty Pants!

2007-10-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

There's a chance he was joking, but if not, Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder is a total boob. Here he is on his trip to play the Giants in London:

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

It's So On!

2007-10-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

Here we go, kids. It's World Series time. On one hand, you have the Red Sox. The team that's been one of the favorites since February. On the other hand, you have the Rockies. A team that spent most of the year under the radar, barely made the playoffs, and has lost once in the last calendar month. It's Sox vs. Rox. The Idiots vs. the God Squad. It's whatever you want to call it.

Yes, it worries me that the Rockies haven't lost in a very long time. And that nobody seems to think they have a shot, which is hardly the case. The Red Sox have issues with pitchers they haven't seen much, and playing in Coors Field gives the Rockies a huge advantage. However, the Red Sox have four games at home, and should the series need to come back to Boston for games 6 & 7, the Sox will prevail.

And oh, yeah. Yankees suck.

Game On!

2007-10-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

Even though I know precious little about the NHL, it didn't stop me from writing a column about why people should watch the NHL.

Slow Pitch Softball, Anyone?

2007-10-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

These are (apparently) the new uniforms of the Tampa Bay (No Longer Devil) Rays. New color scheme aside, do these not make Carl Crawford and co. look like the Ray's Pizza Softball Team?

Me thinks they should have ditched the "Ray" along with the "Devil."

What's Wrong With Being Big and Dumb?

2007-10-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

The other day, while enjoying the shit out of Baby 81, the new(ish) album by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, I decided to check out the reviews over at the invaluable Metacritic. Of course, the unbiased dipshits at Pitchfork awarded the album a 4.5 out of 10, with the pull-quote being "BRMC is a big, dumb band who writes big, dumb songs."

Like that's a bad thing. If you called AC/DC a "big, dumb band," they'd completely agree with you. Who wants to listen to "small, smart" music anyway?

Japanese Baseball Parts I and II

2007-10-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Better late than never. Parts I and II of my Japanese Baseball Experience.

Part I: The First Half

Part II: The Other Half

Two Out of Four Ain't Bad

2007-10-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

Way to be premature, TBS...

This Mesa We're In

2007-10-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm fully aware that I picked a team with Jose Mesa on it to make it to the World Series. My bad.

The Division Serieses are Heres!

2007-10-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

1. My last column - now a few weeks old - used the excellent video game Golden Axe to come up with a new way to predict baseball postseason success. If my system holds, the Yankees will beat the Rockies in the World Series.

2. In my preseason "Predictatron" ballot at Baseball Prospectus, I successfully predicted all four AL playoff teams (yes, with the Sox winning the East). In the NL, I was right about the Diamondbacks in the West, and I had the Phillies as the Wild Card. The Mets and Brewers I was vaguely wrong about. Ok, I was wrong, but not by much.

3. In that ballot, I chose the Red Sox to beat the Phillies in the World Series. I'm sticking with that.

4. I see the Sox beating the Angels in five.

5. I see the Indians winning game one against the Yankees, and taking a 4-2 lead into the ninth of game two. I don't see them winning a second game.

6. The Phillies-Rockies series is going to be like watching two teams play wiffle ball with one of those big red bats. I see the Phillies winning in five.

7. The Cubs and Diamondbacks had the two worst offenses in the NL. However, the Cubs didn't have their three best hitters together, at full strength, for much of the year. I bet they win in five.

Konichiwa, Bitches!

2007-09-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I leave for a week in Japan. I expect a super happy fun sunshine time.

Dear Eric Gagne

2007-09-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

Please take more steroids.

Love,

Ben

Celebrities are Not Nearly as Smart as Us!

2007-09-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

I guess "Beefcake Aussie Hunk Moving Co." was booked today, so Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams had to settle for this completely inconspicuous team of movers.

The newest Teletubby: Crappy the Beddy

2007-09-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

For most of the season, the Red Sox have had the best record in baseball, despite not being able to score runs against pitchers who throw strikes. I figured them to collapse in the playoffs, but luckily for me, I might get to see it happen even sooner! Yay!

This Week's Column: Bend it like Stamos

2007-09-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

For this week, I interviewed a couple of friends who play for the excellently named John Stamos is Our Dad franchise of the World Adult Kickball League. They went undefeated this year, and no, it wasn't on ESPN2. Shame.

KICK IT LIKE THIS GUY!

A-sterix?

2007-09-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

The always classy, fair, and balanced New York Post has started keeping tabs on the "Real" Home Run record. In case you were wondering, A-Rod has 52, four off the pace of Roger Maris in 1961.

Now, let's take a look at some photos. This is A-Rod with the Rangers a few years ago. In this picture he's about 27 years old. And kinda skinny:

Now here's what the 32-year-old A-Rod looks like now:

Not only is the new A-Rod absolutely enormous, but he's also having his best season ever...FIVE years after a player is supposedly in their prime. There's also the fact that A-Rod is in the midst of a contract year, and if you watch him play, not only is he uniquely aggro this season, but in terms of hitting, he's doing what Barry Bonds did a few years back.

A-Rod is now fighting off inside fastballs and blasting them 450 feet. It's absurd, especially for a guy who was wilting under pressure the last few years. Am I saying he's taking HGH? Not necessarily. Maybe he just warmed up to New York. But for extra fun, check out a client list of the douchebaggy Scott Boras - A-Rod's agent.

Rick Ankiel. Carlos Baerga. Adrian Beltre. Barry Bonds. Kevin Brown. Johnny Damon. Darren Dreifort. Eric Gagne. Craig Hansen. Dan Kolb. Travis Lee. Pudge Rodriguez. Gary Sheffield. Brad Wilkerson. Barry Zito.

Every single one of those players performed WAY above expectation when money was on the line. Either Scott Boras is one hell of a motivator (Andruw Jones aside), or he's got the number for an excellent pharmacist.

The Best Song I've Ever Heard Today

2007-09-13T11:31:00.001-07:00

Not only is "Oh My" by Office quite possibly the catchiest song in the history of songs, but the video features 1980's porn stars and is pretty darn enjoyable as well.